Liebster Award

Thank you so much to https://mybrainismessingwithmyhead.wordpress.com for nominating me for a Liebster Award! You guys should all check out her blog – it’s really great!

This time around with the Liebster Award I’m going to be a bit of a rebel- I’m not going to nominate anyone or ask questions. Instead, over the next couple of weeks I will work to compile a list of some of my favourite blogs and will post it on a separate ‘Favourites’ page so that they can be perused at leisure.

I will, however, answer the Award questions asked of me!

Why did you start a blog?

I first started writing because I felt invisible. I felt like every time someone looked at me or spoke to me, all they saw was a sick girl with whatever assumptions and preconceived notions were attached to that. I wanted a chance to share my voice and find ways to honestly connect to people as a human being, not as a stereotype.

Who is your inspiration in life?

That’s a really hard question. I find myself inspired by most people I meet – my family and friends rank high on the list.

If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?

At this second, I’m pretty happy where I am – curled up in bed with a nice cozy blanket and sunlight filtering in. But I wouldn’t say no to some sort of spa-like oasis in Thailand or a castle/villa in the French countryside.

If you could change any decision you have made in life, what would it be?

Maybe to listen to myself a little more. I don’t really have any regrets as I’m happy with where life has brought me, but growing up I did tend to get caught up in what I should or shouldn’t be doing, or what I needed to be doing, and I missed out on a lot of opportunities because of that tunnel vision.

What was the happiest day in your life and why?

I don’t know that I can pick a day. There are some great moments that stand out though – when I was officially accepted into UBC, when I watched the cast of a show that I had helped coach perform and get a standing ovation, the night after a fundraising concert I had organized, my high school graduation ceremony – but each of those days also had elements of extreme stress. I think my overall happiest days are the unremarkable ones when I talk to people that I love, watch a particularly great movie, or get so caught up in a project that I lose track of time.

You’ve won $20 million, what do you do?

Well, I know it’s a boring answer, but I’d put enough away in savings to last me a lifetime as I currently can’t work and am not sure when or if I’ll ever be able to. I’d also get myself a housekeeper and driver, and move out of my parent’s basement. I’d donate some to pre-existing charities, but I’d also use a bunch of it to start up my own non-profit – a fully accessible, pillow fort-like venue filled with board games, a mini library, and of course snacks! And of course, I’d use it to travel. With that kind of money I could actually afford the kind of accommodations I need to head overseas.

Advice for a new blogger?

Be strict with yourself. Make a schedule and stick to it, and don’t worry too much about who’s reading and who’s not. If you keep at it, your audience will find you.

What is your next adventure?

Well, next week I’m heading to Baltimore for some medical appointments – not very exciting, but still an adventure. And after that I’m not quite sure. Maybe some more school, maybe a volunteering project – maybe both!

What scares you the most?

Being alone. I love time to myself, I’m actually quite introverted, but the thought of being truly alone terrifies me.

What makes a good blog?

I think honesty is important.

Glass half full? Or half empty?

Probably half empty, but I very much appreciate what’s still there!

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Writing and Avoidance and Stuff

I’ve been avoiding writing.

Even as I type those words, I want to rush in with a rationalization, some way of mitigating the stark reality, but that would be cheating.

Because I haven’t been writing. And even though I’ve been busy, I have had the time to write.

I haven’t, because I’ve been avoiding it.

I tend to use this blog as a forum to collect my thoughts. Writing gives me the chance to sit back and organize what I have been thinking and feeling. It helps me recognize where I’m at.

But I’ve been avoiding it. I’ve been avoiding taking the time to collect myself.

Which I’m finding to be a bit embarrassing.

Because I’m not out of touch with myself – I’m attempting not to acknowledge myself. And that seems rather juvenile.

But ignoring my thoughts won’t change them or make them go away, it only makes me feel more frustrated with myself. So I’m going to do my best today, to come to terms with what exactly has been going on.

It’s not that hard to figure it out -I’ve been feeling small.

Not in a sad way, or in a bad way.

I’ve been wanting more. I’ve been wanting to feel bigger. I’ve been wanting to feel better.

I’ve been making all sorts of plans, and have actually begun to follow through on some of them.

I’ve been feeling excited and filled with possibility.

I’ve begun to sing again. Really sing. I’m feeling like a musician, something I haven’t truly felt for years.

I’ve been dreaming of volunteer projects, benefit concerts, and even starting my own non-profit.

More than dreaming, I’ve been planning.

And I have felt amazing, fuelled with passion and drive, looking forwards to all of the incredible things the future has to offer.

It’s been wonderful.

But I haven’t been writing.

It’s strange, you’d think that with so much excitement I would rush to share my thoughts, my exhilaration.

But I haven’t, because I’ve been feeling small.

As my hopes and dreams and plans balloon in front of me, I can’t help but feel that I’ll be so much more in the future. When my work comes to fruition, I’ll be bigger and better.

But in the meantime, my plans to grow leave me feeling like I need to grow. That I will be something, but I’m not there yet. That I am small.

I’m happy and exhilarated, but not about the present. Not about my current self.

And so I’ve been avoiding writing.

Avoiding acknowledging where I’m at right now.

But I need to get over it. I need to get over myself and how small I feel, because I have work to do. I have work to do today and tomorrow and every day and that work requires me to be big. It requires me to be great and powerful.

And so I’m done feeling small.

If I’m a seed, I’m one of those seeds filled with anti-oxidants – a super food. If I’m a plant, I’m Jack’s beanstalk, towering, but still growing.

I have so much ahead of me to explore.

And I am enough, today, to begin.